


One Last Time

by matsukawas



Series: hq rarepair week [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Friends With Benefits, Future Fic, M/M, Unrequited Love, they both suffer to some point ugh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 00:49:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3630462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matsukawas/pseuds/matsukawas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a long time Matsukawa loved Hanamaki, and at some point they ended up as friends with benefits. One night, Matsukawa realizes he can’t take the current situation anymore and decides to put an end to it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> Fourth day of rarepair week. The porompt: unrequited.  
>  **It's a little bit NSFW** so be prepared.

It is past midnight when Matsukawa hears loud knocks on his apartment door. Matsukawa tries to ignore them for a while, but instead the knocks get even louder and he seriously fears for the well being of his door.

He can’t think of many people who would visit him at this hour, especially since all the people close to him should know that he has an important exam tomorrow and that he's going to pull an all-nighter studying. His apartment is a mess, there are papers and pencils and pens at every corner of it and it isn't ready for guests in the slightest.

Matsukawa sighs, and while thinking that it's such a pain in the neck, he gets up from his study desk to open the door.

"Good evening, Matsukawa!!"

Matsukawa's heart twitches lightly as soon as the too cheerful voice reaches his ears, and begins to beat too fast when the person behind the door is in full sight. Hanamaki keeps standing there for a few more seconds, a huge smirk on his face, signing a V sign in both hands, his eyes a bit spaced out. Matsukawa is quite sure he informed him about the exam, so why is he standing in his doorway in this hour?

"Hanamaki, it's the middle of the night?"

"Matsukawa!" Completely ignoring the taller boy, Hanamaki lets himself inside and hugs Matsukawa tightly. He reeks of alcohol and cigarettes, the smell attached to his clothes and hair, and Matsukawa tries to back away from the too strong smell, "I thought you would be happy to see me?"

"I told you I'm having a test tomorrow." But in your current state I'm not surprised you don't remember, Matsukawa thinks in defeat.

"That's right, I completely forgot. Am I in the way then?" He says, but he's already taking his shoes off (at least he is kind enough to do so) and steps into the living room, almost tripping over the coffee table that stands in the middle of the it.

"Actually yes, but as much as I'd like to, I can't exactly send you away, especially not in your current condition."

"You're right, I'm in a critical condition." Hanamaki says all wobbly, and drops on the sofa, not noticing he's sitting on a pile of papers Matsukawa carefully summarized and organized. Matsukawa really wants to get angry at him, but he can't. He lost the ability to be mad at him a long time ago, all the way back in high school.

"Matsukawa, can you get me some beer? I know you have some."

"What are you saying? You're in a 'critical condition', aren't you? You're the drunkest I've ever seen you, beer is the last thing you're getting."

Hanamaki clicks his tongue and pouts, "Matsukawa you're so cold…"

"I'm fine with being cold." Matsukawa replies, but the truth is his heartbeat rate starts rising once again. He knows he can't let this happen, he can't get caught up in Hanamaki's pace. The test scheduled for tomorrow is very important and it may decide the continuation of his studies in the university. But after he takes another glimpse at Hanamaki's stupid drunk face, he knows it's too late for him, he just can't resist him.

So he takes off to the kitchen to fetch some water. First he drinks a glass of cold water in one go in order to calm himself down a little, and then he pours another one for Hanamaki and a second for himself. He takes the glasses back to the living room and offers one of them to Hanamaki, who's sitting still on the sofa, staring blankly at empty air.

"You shouldn't have drunk so much. And you smoked, too. What if your coach finds out?"

"Don't worry, he won't." He takes the glass from Matsukawa's hand.

"Drink slowly."

"Okay. Thank you."

Matsukawa sits next to him on the sofa, not before carefully picking all the papers from it and putting them neatly on the coffee table.

"So, what happened?" Matsukawa asks, though he most likely knows the answer. "If you came all the way here than it means…"

"Exactly," Hanamaki nods, "I broke up with my girlfriend."

Here we go.

"Seriously? You've been going out with her for just a week?"

"Four days to be more precise."

"On top of it she's the third one this month, am I right?"

"Well, yeah."

Matsukawa closes his eyes and sighs, "Why?"

"Why?"

"Why did you break up?"

"You're always asking this question. Who cares about that at all?" He puts his empty glass on the table, drags himself closer to Matsukawa and sends his hand to his crotch.

Matsukawa slaps the hand away a bit too coldly before Hanamaki has the chance to touch it. Hanamaki stares back at him, looking somewhat offended, but Matsukawa really tries to ignore all this.

"Just answer me, Hanamaki."

"Fine, fine," He backs away from Matsukawa for the time being, returning to his previous spot on the sofa, "She was just so annoying. She wouldn't shut up about her dog and she wouldn't stop gossip about her university friends. So I told her exactly what I think and she got mad, and we yelled at each other, and then screamed some more… and here I am."

"Always stupid reasons like this…" Matsukawa says, "This is part of being in a relationship, Hanamaki."

"I don't want to hear this from you. Remind when was the last time you were in a relationship? Was it in Middle school?"

"Shut up, don't compare me with you."

"Ah that's right, because you're in love with me so hard you can't even think about _trying_ to date anyone else."

Matsukawa opens his mouth to speak, but finds that he can't say a word. Hanamaki is meaner than usual today. He hopes it's all the alcohol's fault because the things he just said seriously were too much to endure, even for him. Matsukawa feels his face burning from shame and embarrassment.

The moment Matsukawa takes his guard down, Hanamaki takes advantage of it and gets closer again. He gives Matsukawa a gentle kiss on his lips, surprisingly, and sends his hands to Matsukawa's belt.

The only thing that goes through Matsukawa's head is that he fucked up. Again. But it can't be helped since that's the kind of relationship they're having at present, and the fault was all his.

*****

The truth is Matsukawa fell in love with Hanamaki a long time ago, since the time they started playing together in the Aobajousai high school volleyball club. At first they were just teammates, but in no time they grew closer, because for some reason they got along so well naturally, the chemistry between them was simply good from the get go. It sounds lame, but they were somehow like soul mates. There was no need for them to talk in order to know what the other party was thinking, and they enjoyed spending time with each other more than anything, making their own jokes, pulling pranks on their teammates, making fun of Oikawa or pretty much of everything and everyone.

However while Hanamaki saw Matsukawa as his most important friend, Matsukawa slowly developed a different kind of feelings for Hanamaki. That was the only secret he kept, the only thing Hanamaki didn't know about him, and he was able to hide it for all their high school years, thanks to the fact the he doesn't show his emotions on his face more than necessary.

That was until Matsukawa's eighteenth birthday. It was at the end of February and graduation was just around the corner. The third years were always busy thinking what they should do after they graduate and if they should continue their volleyball career or not. Back then Matsukawa was sure both he and Hanamaki would enter the local university together, he didn't have doubts about that.

But the day before his birthday, Hanamaki told him he was not going to enter the university in Miyagi, but another one a little further away. It was in the Iwate prefecture, very close to the Miyagi prefecture where they lived, but still it meant they weren't going to see each other as frequently as before, maybe not at all for a while.

The thought of being far away from Hanamaki scared Matsukawa. It never crossed his mind that they'll be separated, it seemed obvious they will always be together. And on a whim Matsukawa decided he had to tell Hanamaki about his feelings. He didn't know if this decision could change anything, but he was lost and broken, and if he maybe wasn't going to see Hanamaki ever again, he should be honest with him in the end at least.

So when Matsukawa turned eighteen, he confessed. And to his surprise, Hanamaki was pretty cool about it and didn't make a big deal out of the matter. He said he didn't find it disgusting at all, on the contrary, it actually was like a compliment for him coming from Matsukawa, and that he also likes him, but not like this.

Matsukawa was relieved. He was turned down, obviously, but he was happy he could be honest and tell Hanamaki how he felt about him for the past three years. The thought of continuing to hide it from him became unbearable.

They graduated. Matsukawa started working part-time, moved to his own apartment, studied in the small university in Miyagi and continued playing volleyball for fun, not as a part of any team. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were scouted to a prestigious volleyball team in Tokyo and moved to live there. Hanamaki moved to Iwate, learned in the university there and played for its famous volleyball team.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki kept in touch after graduation, and Matsukawa felt so fortunate for that. They were texting each other daily and calling each other at least once a week. On weekends they were sometimes going to eat together. When Hanamaki got a girlfriend from his university Matsukawa told him he was happy for him and it was the truth. But somehow deep inside he felt such sadness, like his heart was crushing inside his chest. It was as though Hanamaki moved on, while Matsukawa was still stuck in the past, unable to give up on him, to forget about him. It made him realize once again that he just loved him so much, he didn’t know he was able to love someone like this. And he didn't know how he can even start forgetting.

Then one day, Hanamaki appeared out of the blue in Matsukawa's apartment, just like tonight. Since he got his girlfriend the both of them weren't talking as much as before so Matsukawa was surprised to see him. Hanamaki told Matsukawa his girlfriend and he broke up, and didn't add anything else. He didn't even look that depressed about it, which made Matsukawa even more worried. So on a whim Matsukawa told him he'll do everything he can to help him, and that was the honest truth. He couldn't bear to see this expressionless face of his, he wanted to see the big smile he fell in love with.

However to this moment, Matsukawa regrets he said such a thing, regrets he said something like this. Because Hanamaki's answer was that he wanted to make love with Matsukawa, that he wanted them to have sex.

There's no need to mention that Matsukawa was completely shocked. He didn't understand what on earth Hanamaki was thinking, suggesting something like this. Until this day he doesn't understand. And Matsukawa was a fool enough to say yes. He agreed immediately, acting like it wasn't a biggie for him when in reality he was so excited. If he said he didn't want to do it with Hanamaki it would be a complete lie. He wanted to do it with him, he wanted it for years and suddenly he had a chance, a chance that may never return.

So they did it. Matsukawa will never tell but it was his first time, not just with a guy but with anyone at all and man that hurt, but it was so fun, he felt so loved by Hanamaki. The way he touched him so gently, so warmly. At that time he thought it was the happiest night of his life.

However, after that things started to get out of hand. For a month or so they talked daily like in the old times. But then Hanamaki again got a girlfriend, a different one and they started to talk less and less. A month passed, and one windy night Matsukawa found Hanamaki in his apartment again. Again, Hanamaki told Matsukawa he broke up with his girlfriend and that it'd be nice if they could do it one more time, because last time it really cheered him up.

Matsukawa couldn't refuse. He was glad he could be of any help to Hanamaki, and he couldn't lie, he enjoyed having sex with the one he loved for many years. So they did it for the second time, and from that day on, this pattern turned into a ritual. Hanamaki would get a new girlfriend, he then would break up with her after a short time just to later come to Matsukawa for comfort. On days the loneliness was too much for him, Matsukawa loved to think that Hanamaki was breaking up with his girlfriends on purpose just so they can fuck, but he knew it was all his wishful thinking.

It's been this way for nearly three years now. Matsukawa still can’t understand what Hanamaki was thinking, why he was doing it to him. Matsukawa got to the conclusion Hanamaki must be enjoying the sex, otherwise he wouldn't be so persistent about it. Matsukawa enjoyed it too obviously, cherishing every opportunity he had to be closer to Hanamaki, to be touched by him, to feel loved by him, just a little bit longer.

But lately, the whole situation became tougher on Matsukawa. He understood they weren't high schoolers anymore, and doing this kind of irresponsible thing gave him a hard time, both mentally and physically. More than anything, as time was passing, he felt more and more miserable, because he knew things will keep being this way, that they were never going to be more that this, to have a true relationship. He was the only one who wanted it, he was the only one who had this kind of feelings and desires. Before he realized, this one sided love turned from something innocent into something very painful. All the sex they had turned from something amazing to nothing but sorrow for him.

And yet, Matsukawa couldn't refuse Hanamaki. As much as he hated to admit, his love for him was too deep and he couldn't ignore his requests to help him. And more than anything, he was afraid. Afraid to lose what they had, with all the pain and sorrow it gave him, at least in those nights he could feel loved by Hanamaki, even if it was for a short time. Even if he was the only one who saw it that way.

Pathetic. That was the only word he can use to describe himself.

*****

Tonight doesn't look like it's going to be any different. Matsukawa is torn between wanting Hanamaki to touch him not matter the price on one hand, and wanting him to stop his suffering on the other. While Matsukawa is daydreaming, Hanamaki, who sits on top of him, already removed Matsukawa's belt and proceeds now to take his pants off.

"Stop it, Hanamaki." Matsukawa grabs Hanamaki's wrists powerfully, "Not tonight. The test I have tomorrow is important and you're in the way. Your presence here distracts me so just… leave, please."

"Why, Issei? What's wrong with you?" Hanamaki starts and looks a little confused, but there is still a drunk grin spread on his face. He releases himself from Matsukawa's hold and rubs Matsukawa's crotch through his pants, "I'm so lonely… don't you want to cheer up your dear Takahiro? You never let some tests stop you before."

With deep hesitations in his heart, Matsukawa decides that that's it. Things can't go on like this forever anyway, so it's better to put an end to it, it's time to man up and take a step. So he sits up and takes Hanamaki's hands off his crotch, ignoring the fact that he's already hard.

"I'm tired of it." He whispers.

"W-What?" for a moment there's pain on Hanamaki's face, and Matsukawa's heart twitches in his chest, "Can you say it again?"

"I'm tired of it!" Matsukawa suddenly snaps and yells, more confident now somehow. He takes a few seconds to recollect his cold self and then continues, "I don't want to be like this with you anymore. I'm tired of you playing with my honest feelings like this. I'm serious about you, I've always been… but it's all just a game to you. You have no idea how… how much it hurts."

"Wait a sec, Matsukawa." Hanamaki says, unable to hide his surprise, "I thought… that you enjoyed it?"

"Well I did, in the beginning. I was younger and in love with you head over heels and very desperate, how could I refuse you? But recently I realized that you've just took advantage of my feelings to satisfy your own desires. You don't give a shit about how I feel about you, it's all a joke to you. Now it's become nothing but suffering for me. I don't want this anymore…"

There he said it. He finally told Hanamaki the thing that's been sitting on his heart for such a long time. So why does he feel so empty? Is he so desperate to the point that maybe after all he would've liked it better if they stayed as friends with benefits? He covers his face with his hands, amazed at how lame he is.

Matsukawa feels strong hands grabbing his shirt and pulling him. Hanamaki takes Matsukawa's head and brings it closer to his chest, his hands moving then to tighten the embrace, patting Matsukawa's back.

It feels so warm, so safe. Matsukawa can't help but to think that that's it, that's how things are supposed to be. But they aren't and he hates it. He hates how it feels so right to be held in this person's gentle arms, while it's obviously isn't.

"I'm sorry, Issei."

Hanamaki sounds and looks like he's getting more sober by the minute, but the first thing he says is an apology, and Matsukawa can't understand why. It was Matsukawa's fault in the first place that they ended up in this situation, and more so because he didn't stop it on time, before it was too late, before his own feelings became messed up like this. But he finds that this uncalled for apology, together with Hanamaki's embrace, somewhat relaxed him.

Hanamaki grabs Matsukawa's face with both hands and lifts it so he can look him straight in the eyes, but Matsukawa just can't bring himself to look at Hanamaki's. He's scared to see what expression is on them, and he is afraid it will make him lose his courage and regret his decision. Matsukawa feels how the hold on his face becomes just a little bit tighter. Hanamaki is annoyed he won't agree look at him.

So Hanamaki pulls Matsukawa's face even closer to his and kisses him again, licking the inside of his mouth with this familiar tongue. He forces Matsukawa to lie back on the sofa, not parting their lips for a second, until Hanamaki is bent over Matsukawa's body. He isn't wasting time and he takes Matsukawa's pants off, and then his underpants, completely ignoring Matsukawa's powerless attempts to resist. It's like the kiss stole all the power from him. At some point Matsukawa gives up, so he closes his eyes and waits for Hanamaki to start already, swearing that this time really is the last one.

But Hanamaki isn't starting anything, and instead he just hugs Matsukawa again, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Matsukawa is too surprised to react. Usually Hanamaki is so eager to start and he doesn't waste time on romantic acts like this. Has the alcohol completely got him out of his mind?

"Matsukawa..." Hanamaki whispers to Matsukawa's skin, his voice trembling, "damn it all, I didn't want it to become like this…"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Don't cry anymore, Matsukawa… please don't cry..."

"I'm not crying, you drunkard .Just get it over with and do it already."

"No."

Matsukawa is too stunned to talk. Hanamaki lifts his head from Matsukawa's neck and stares at him, on his face a look he has never seen before. Such a pained expression, his eyes so sad and lonely, and no matter how much Matsukawa tries he can't find an explanation for this look.

"God, I feel so stupid right now." Hanamaki hits his face with the palm of his hand, "I didn't realize you felt this way. I truly thought you enjoyed it. It wasn't my intention, I didn't mean to make fun of your feelings, not for a second. Your feelings, they're… they're very important to me."

"Hanamaki, you're drunk." Matsukawa says, hoping Hanamaki can't hear his now so loud heartbeats, "You're not making any sense."

"I'm fine, Matsukawa, just listen to me for a second. I want to clear this up now. I wasn't playing with you, or making fun of you. I didn't mean it to turn this way and I'm really sorry if I hurt you. You're an important person to me."

"An important person, huh? But your 'important' is different from mine, isn't it?" Matsukawa lets out a bitter laugh, "How can you say you weren't playing with me so casually? You knew how I'm feeling about you, you knew I wouldn't refuse you, so you used me, you took advantage of my feelings just so you can recover from you being dumped."

"Like I said, it's not like this. Also I wasn't being dumped. I dumped them."

Woah, that's an unexpected turn.

"All of them? There were like thirty you know."

"Well, most of them." Hanamaki says and sighs, "Putting it like this makes me look so cruel."

"You really are cruel, Hanamaki-kun."

Hanamaki pouts and gives Matsukawa an offended look, and for some reason Matsukawa finds himself laughing and feeling very satisfied. Suddenly Hanamaki sends his hand to Matsukawa's face and strokes his cheek with such tenderness Matsukawa blushes instantly.

"I guess it can't be helped, I can't change the fact that I hurt you, even if I apologize to you every day for the rest of my life."

"You got that right."

Hanamaki chuckles lightly, "So I guess that's the end, huh?" Something gets darker in his eyes and the sad expression appears on his face again, "Let me just make sure, do you really want to put an end to it?"

Matsukawa finds himself chickening now that the question is hanging openly in the air. As painful as it is, he has to admit – he loves it after all, he loves Hanamaki, loves him so much, deep inside he doesn't want what they have now to be over. But he has to be realistic. He knows things can't continue to be like this. He knows already that no matter how warm it feels when they're making love, hugging and kissing, in the end it's only for mere few moments, and when they end he's being left in the cold bed, all alone. No more. He doesn't want to feel this kind of loneliness anymore, it was the worst.

And so, Matsukawa nods slowly, trying to look confident.

"I see." Hanamaki says, his voice trembling just a little, but Matsukawa notices anyway. And he doesn't understand why Hanamaki looks sadder than him

"Then, do you still want to do it? One last time?"

Matsukawa nods eagerly out of an instinct and immediately feels so pathetic again.

Hanamaki laughs loudly, "You really love me a lot don't you, Matsukawa."

"Why do you ask when you already know," Matsukawa snorts, "but don't get so full of yourself now."

"I won't." Hanamaki says and kisses Matsukawa's forehead

Hanamaki takes off Matsukawa's shirt but again he stops moving and just stares down at Matsukawa. Usually when they have sex it's like Hanamaki can't control himself, he's so eager to move, to touch. But now he just sits quietly and stares. For the first time in years Matsukawa can't understand what he's thinking.

Matsukawa starts to lose his patience, so he open his mouth to say something, but then Hanamaki finally moves again. He opens his belt and takes his own pants off and after them his underpants too. That is all too unusual, it's so different from their usual sex ritual.

"Matsukawa, you take my shirt off."

"Why do I have to? It’s such a pain.” Matsukawa raises an eyebrow, “You're acting funny today."

"Come on, Matsukawa. Since it's the last time I want us to do it like this."

Matsukawa doesn't move for a while, but he gives in pretty quickly. He sighs, grabs Hanamaki's shirt around his shoulders and pulls it. Hanamaki lowers his head and lifts his arms and somehow he is able to slide out of his shirt.

"That wasn't sexy at all."

"Shut up." Matsukawa murmurs and tries hard not to laugh. They're both completely naked now, and Matsukawa's skin feels like it is burning.

Hanamaki sends his hands to Matsukawa's chest and strokes it slowly. He keeps traveling with his hands, going lower, all the way to his abdomen, and then back up, again and again, his mouth following the imaginary trails left by his fingers, and Matsukawa thinks there isn’t a spot on his body that Hanamaki's mouth hasn't visited, and he can't help but to love it, to want more of it.

And they're doing it, and Matsukawa thinks it's the best sex they've ever had. Maybe because they know it's the last so they both give it everything they have, or maybe it is just his imagination. But he is almost certain that Hanamaki handles him more gently today, his touch is warmer and kinder than usual, and everything is so hot and he feels like there's nothing more important in the world than this moment he's experiencing now. And Matsukawa whispers in Hanamaki's ear, almost desperately, that he still loves him, so much, and Hanamaki kisses him in response, and Matsukawa dares to think that his kisses are almost as desperate.

When everything is over, they lie on the sofa, each on a different end of it, catching their breaths. Matsukawa can't deny he's happy they were able to make their last time so amazing. So why is he feeling such emptiness? Why is it so lonely when Hanamaki is still so close to him?

"Matsukawa," Hanamaki says and touches Matsukawa's foot, "are you okay?"

"That’s my line." Matsukawa says, breath still heavy, "What's with you today? Did something happen?"

Hanamaki sits and looks down to his fingers like they're the most interesting thing in the world, and Matsukawa can almost fill his hesitation, "Matsukawa… you know how I said I dumped all my girlfriends?"

"Yeah." Matsukawa sits up too and wears his shirt, "Was it a lie?"

"No, it was the truth. Do you know why I dumped them?"

"How should I know?" Matsukawa answers, losing his patience, "Probably because of some stupid reason like usual."

Hanamaki shakes his head, "I broke up with them because…" he stops for a moment and then lets out a huge sigh, like it is so hard for him to talk about the matter, "because I felt nothing when I was with them. Nothing. Not even a single emotion, be it a positive or a negative one. It's like I was indifferent to everything revolving my relationship with them."

"Well you never were the best at showing your feelings to begin with." Matsukawa says, wearing his underpants as he talks.

"I guess you're right but I'm not… talking only about the… mental part?" Hanamaki glances at Matsukawa, and when Matsukawa tilts his head to show he doesn't understand, Hanamaki adds in a tiny voice, "there's also, you know… the physical part?"

"The physica-" Matsukawa stops when he realizes, "Oh."

"Yeah, I know. You're free to laugh."

"What are you saying, that's not something to laugh about." Matsukawa says, but he's trying too hard to hide his laughter, and Hanamaki makes a ball out of his shirt and throws it at him.

"But we know you're not impotent or something because you're doing just _great_ when you're with me?" and when Hanamaki gives him a very desperate look, it finally hits Matsukawa, "Wait. Wait a second. You want to tell me you actually fucked only with me?"

"Have I told you I just love how straightforward you can be sometimes? Like in the most inappropriate of times?"

"I don't think so, but… wow. I have to sit for a moment."

"You're already sitting."

"So just give me a moment." Matsukawa says and covers his now flushed face with his hands, feeling so light for some reason. A sad smile appears on his face then and he turns to Hanamaki again, "Maybe you love me after all and you just don't realize it yet."

Hanamaki gives Matsukawa a sad smile of his own and this pained expression appears on his face again, "Maybe. I just… don't know. I don't know, but," He slides closer to Matsukawa, pulls him into a hug and kisses the top of his head, "I do know that I'm hopelessly happy to just be by your side, that I enjoy talking with you and doing all kind of things with you, more than with any girl I can ever fantasize about. Right now, you're the only one in the whole world who can make me feel… stuff. At all."

"I see." Matsukawa says and hugs back, "Okay."

"Woah, you're so cold, after I said all those embarrassing things…" Hanamaki unconsciously tightens his embrace and strokes Matsukawa's hair, "Don't you feel sorry now for your precious Takahiro? Don't you regret selfishly deciding that this was our last time?"

"It's useless, this isn't going to work on me anymore. Don’t expect me to feel sorry for you."

"You're so cold, Issei."

Hanamaki pouts and Matsukawa feels like he's falling in love with this person all over again just from looking at this stupid face of his, and he lets out a loud sigh.

"Hanamaki, if you're ever certain that the happiness you're feeling with me is the result of being in love with me, if you ever think you want to be more intimate with me, the same way I want to be with you, if you're ready for this... you can come back to me, and we can do it again then. I'll be waiting."

Matsukawa feels like tonight he's the most embarrassing human being in the world. He can't believe he actually said half of the things that came out of his mouth. But he notices then that Hanamaki's eyes are sparkling, and for the first time tonight, since he stepped into the apartment all drunk and messy, his face is shining, and his smile is genuinely happy, warming Matsukawa's chest.

"Honestly, I don't know anymore if someone like me is worth your affection, or if I'm ever going to be able to return it equally to you, as to speak." He grabs Matsukawa's shirt, almost helplessly, Matsukawa notes to himself, "but I'll do my best. Seriously, I'll give it everything I have, so… will you really wait for me?"

Matsukawa shrugs, "I waited all this time, so I can wait a bit longer… if it's for you. I'll always be waiting."

Hanamaki freezes for a moment, and then he breaks the hug and covers his face with both hands.

"W-What are you getting all embarrassed for? I'm the one who should be embarrassed here."

"Shut up," Hanamaki says into his hands, "It's _because_ you said such embarrassing things. Who even says things like this nowadays?"

"God, just… stop talking, please." Matsukawa says, his face burning, and gets up from the sofa, "I'm going to continue studying. You can stay over tonight if you promise you won't bother me too much."

"I promise." Hanamaki answers immediately and takes his hands off his face, smirking now, "Will you sleep next to me?"

"I don't know if I'm going to sleep at all tonight, I have so much more material to revise-"

"You have to. You definitely have to."

Matsukawa can't understand why he's being so persistent, but he just brushes him off with an "Okay, okay, I will."

Hanamaki looks very satisfied. He then finally picks his underwear from the floor and puts them back on – Matsukawa was just about to ask him for how long he's planning to sit naked on his sofa – and says, "Then I'll be sleeping here, I'll watch you study until I fall a sleep."

"No, you really don't have to."

"I know you're _so_ worried about me, but it's fine, you just be a good boy and study."

Matsukawa wants to give him some witty answer of his own, but he gives up before even trying. He then goes to his bedroom, grabs his blanket, takes it back to the living room and covers the surprised Hanamaki with it.

"A true gentleman," Hanamaki giggles, "Good night, Issei."

"…good night, Takahiro."

Matsukawa sits by the small coffee table, picks his notes and tries to read them, but he finds the words don't make any sense in his head, he can't concentrate at all. Actually he isn't so surprised, considering what he's been through tonight. It might be the happiest day in his life. Even if in the end Hanamaki will get to the conclusion he doesn't love him after all, Matsukawa won’t have any hard feelings, probably. Of course he'd be sad, heart broken even, but at least they were able to be honest to each other in the very end, and they got to say to each other some very important things.

Frankly, Matsukawa never thought his love is going to be mutual in the first place, he was ready to spend the rest of his life with this unrequited love, understanding that Hanamaki probably will never see him as more than a friend, or a friend with benefit in their case. If, by any chance, after Hanamaki thinks about it long and hard, he realizes he does have romantic feelings for Matsukawa… it's really going to be like a dream coming true. Matsukawa thinks he might be so happy he could just die. Of course, he knows he shouldn't raise his expectations too much, and he is a very realistic person anyway. But he just can't help but to feel excited.

Matsukawa turns to look at Hanamaki. He's already fallen asleep, his face calm, breathing peacefully. He has had tiring day and he has many things to think about after all. Matsukawa stands up and walks back to the sofa, staring down at the sleeping Hanamaki and feeling this urge to touch him, to be close to him, to feel his warmth. Who knows if he's going to be able to ever do it again?

Matsukawa swears he can hear the papers and notes calling for him, but he pays no attention to them. He can't concentrate anyway. The test is important, but in the worst case, he can retake it. On the other hand the person that is now in front him might disappear from his sight any moment. Even If Matsukawa does wait for him forever, he may not.

Carefully, quietly, Matsukawa slides under the covers next to Hanamaki, their faces inches from each other. He wraps his arms around Hanamaki's body, places his head on his chest, closes his eyes, and without him realizing, he finds himself begging, to no one in particular.

Begging that somehow, one day, this person will love him back.

**Author's Note:**

> I did it, I wrote one sided hanamatsu, and that was _so hard_ for me. I'm in complete denial, they don't deserve this suffering...


End file.
